Well, once again I find myself lost in this swirling depression. I can't eat, sleep, or write. Somehow, I manage to hold myself together in public, but as soon as I get home, I turn into a wailing crybaby sobbing into a damp pillow and wondering what the point of this existence even is. Praying for death no longer seems weird. It no doubt sounds weird and overly dramatic to others, especially those whose attitude is "go ahead, kill yourself." But I don't want to kill myself. I just want to die. There's a difference. I don't want to exist, to feel, to think, to cry for even one more second as this pathetic fool who can't stop loving someone who no longer values her. But I am morally opposed to suicide and can see no value in intentionally inflicting that pain on my loved ones. I don't want them to suffer from the guilt of being unable to save me. Whereas, if I should die in an accident, or because some crazed psychopath chanced my way, it would be a different kind of hurt for my loved ones, but they would be able to take comfort in the fact that I was ready to leave this planet. Right? Well, maybe not.

Still, I find myself pondering the point of my existence to the point of obsessiveness. While I can bury the pain beneath anger or psuedo-disregard, lots of little things trigger the tears. Couples at church, of all ages, but especially old couples that have faced all kinds of adversity and still managed to stand beside each other, remind me of how we'd vowed to end up like that. The pursuit of romance by my friends is tough, too. I want to be supportive and encouraging, but there's that evil part of me that stabs at my shredded heart, reminding me that I used to have that, too. And that I still want it back.

For a while, I have bravely tossed my head and sneered at the thought of taking him back. He's hurt me, betrayed me, rejected me, and belittled me. Every wonderful memory I have of him is now tainted with distrust and suspicion. And yet, as I write this, I have to admit I'd throw myself back into his arms like an absolute fool if he said he wanted me back. He won't, of course.

Anyway, I'm generally tired of life overall. It's more than just him, but it's mostly him. I don't like that I give and give of myself, only to be unimportant when I need something back. Only my two closest friends can be trusted to be there for me at any time. Otherwise, I feel like people are just a losing investment that I keep paying into. Even my hobbies feel like that. Especially my writing. I pour hours and hours and hours of time into creating detailed, rich, well-thought out stories and all I get in return is "Update soon!" Those two words have got to be the most hated words in my life. Well, besides, "I just don't want to be with anyone right now." They show no respect for the author's work, no appreciation of her effort, not even a clue as to why the reviewer even bothered to read the story! Just a selfish, childish demand for self-gratification. Of course, if I posted up a poorly written, poorly planned, overused plot with cliche elements, I'm sure I'd be drowning in praise. Especially if I updated every couple days. Ugh. Not that I want to sit in judgment of anyone else's work or taste. Thank God, however, for the reviews that are worth reading. (I guess I should mention here that I posted TPP6 a while back and am working on ADABN now.)

I have managed to recycle a few dreams out of the junkyard my life has become. Right now, I'm facing the dreaded teacher job fairs yet again, hoping to get at least one interview. Of course, once again, the market is oversaturated and job opportunities tend to go to established teachers who are looking for a new school. Of course, this year, I'm just going through the motions. I figure, if I don't expect anything, I won't be as depressed come August when I don't get anything. Two years of hoping didn't pay off. And if the outcome is as I expect, then I will leave the US come April '09. When August ends in defeat, I will turn my attention to Japan and start applying to any organization that might help me land a teaching position for the 09 school year. (School starts in April there.) My biggest target will be the JET Program, which probably is the best route after reviewing all the pros and cons. Maybe once I'm there, I'll finally be able to shake my ex off and re-discover a joy of being single. I used to be okay with it once. Even had my life planned out quite nicely to be single forever.

I've got very little confidence in finding someone of his caliber ever again. I know that sounds weird, being complimentary towards someone who has callously broken my heart, but if he hadn't been so great, I wouldn't still be so hung up on him. He was incredibly supportive, kind, funny, thoughtful, generous, loving, able to apologize and to show emotions, never disrespectful to women, athletic, gorgeous, had a strong work ethic, and just plain sweet. His faults were numerous, but they rarely really bothered me. They bothered other people lol, but I think most of my friends were completely blindsided by his sudden abandonment of me. And basically, if I can't have him back, then I don't want someone who isn't up to his standards. While gorgeous was an added bonus, I think all of the other qualities are an absolute must. We also had political and religious views in common. But if I was going to make a few changes to the design I want, I would add in a love of travel (domestic and overseas), likes seafood, and would fight for me no matter what. I don't want to be abandoned ever again. A love of animals, music, movies, and an interest in hiking and the beach are also musts. So, yeah, pretty much, I'd need to build my own Zettai Kareshi (a manga by Watase Yuu), but I don't have 100 million yen, either.

Okay, so it's only about a page and a half for TPP6, but it is something. It's the first bit I've written in over a month. So I'm ecstatic.

In other news, I think I'm finally pulling out of this funk. I've been angry for the past couple of days and after talking to a couple of friends, I have been encouraged to pick my pride back up and walk away. I can't say I don't still hurt and I can't say I don't still love him. But I can say that I deserve better and I don't intend to wallow around wanting him back anymore. As much as I love him and as much as I have forgiven him over the course of 3+ years, I don't think I could trust him again. Maybe someday, when he's grown up a bit, we can be friends. But right now, it's hard to even respect him. And how warped is that, being madly in love with someone I can't respect anymore?

I'm not saying look for a new chapter anytime soon. But I am saying that I'm working my way back. And since TPP 6 was about 2/3 finished when all this garbage happened, it will most likely be the first new posting. It's already already 22 Word pages long, so this one will probably be the longest chapter of the fic. I trust it will be worth the wait when I finally get it out there.

I've got a few things on my mind today.

One is the health of my ferrets. Both my boys are shedding their winter coats, which often leads to temporary weight loss. But Chouji, my Chubba Wumba, seems to have lost over a pound and is very thin. I am spoiling him with lots of FuroVite, a vitamin and calorie rich smelly goo that I usually use as a reward. It can stimulate the appetite and can also be used as an emergency supplement when they go off their feed for a temporary period. But I am concerned that I have been having to use it a bit too long. Both girls got their rabies shots on Wednesday and go back two weeks from then for their distemper. Distemper is much more important than rabies healthwise, since rabies will decimate a ferret extremely quickly, but legally, rabies is the bigger factor. It's the one the city issues license tags for. Sasuke goes in probably next month for his and then Chouji is due in June, I believe. Expensive time of year for me in terms of the fuzzies. It's another concern there, too, because I'm not sure if I'll be able to ask their "dad" for any more financial support in their care.

And that ties in to thought number two. I'm pretty sure I can't be friends with him. I mean, for one thing, I have enough friends that I rarely see or hear from and who don't answer their phone when I need them. And as hurtful as that can be, it will only be more hurtful when I can't rely on him. Another thing is, I still love him, desperately. Friendship won't fill that void and could potentially put me in the position of having to support him in a new relationship when I don't want to even contemplate him with anyone else. And third, if I'm going to pick myself up and rebuild my life and find new dreams to replace all the ones he shattered, then I'd only be undermining myself by holding on to him. Let's face it, his decision is selfish and crappy and his refusal to see how much I'm hurting is disrespectful and belittling of the depth of love I've offered him. Constantly telling me I can find someone else, that he's not as important to me as I say he is, and claiming that he hasn't destroyed any of my life plans just shows how little value all the sacrifices I have made and the devotion I have given him actually meant to him all this time. Which is very disappointing. But such is life.

I can't give in to the part of me that wants to lay around waiting for him to come back. I mean, if he does come back, it will be very hard for me to say no. But he can't just call me up and say, "Hey, I'm ready to re-commit to this relationship now." That just won't cut it. He owes me a lot more than that and I hope he realizes that. I deserve some groveling and apologies for breaking my heart and turning my world upside-down. And how can trust him? I mean, after all, this is an incredible betrayal and rejection. If he can do it one time, what will stop him from doing that again?

In other news, I think Hugo the Hornet -- mascot of the New Orleans Hornets -- is going to be catching some heat if his impromptu disruption of the 2nd quarter of Round 2 Game 1 between the Hornets and the San Antonio Spurs dramatically impacts my beloved Spurs' performance, considering they were quite hot and playing well and have now spent about 20 minutes on the bench getting cold. I think the refs should get their heads checked for not allowing the teams to go into the back to stay warmed up and instead are making them go through a second warm-up process. *huge sigh* It also sucks that we finally are playing a game against a team in our own time zone and we had to wait til 9 pm for the game start. This game will probably go til midnight and I have to be up for church about 6:30 am and I am not known for sleeping less than 9 hours a day and being happy. *second sigh* Oh well, no matter what, we are the team to beat, we are focused and determined to repeat for the first time in our history, and we CAN! GO SPURS GO!!!!